I haven't had time to really sit down and think, or maybe I just haven't wanted to. When I moved in to my brother Clinton's house I was so busy I didn't truly adjust. Slowly as time has moved on I find I did what I always do when a big change happens. I went back to reading, a lot... I seem to do that when I decide I don't want to really face reality even if reality isn't necessarily bad. I don't like any change and sometimes wish things stayed the same always, but then other times I feel the complete opposite.
Work has been going good, sometimes I am actually happiest there because I feel like I know my place and who I am supposed to be there. Other times I wish I could leave and go do something of my choosing. I always feel like I am on the edge of something "big" and "new" but never does it come. I dream an then place those dreams on the back burner, feeling guilty for not being content here and now. My boss has so much going on in her life and she counts me as her family, I feel guilty wishing for a job with a higher pay. I make enough, but not enough to live on my own with and at times I feel like if only I could make more it would solve so many problems. I hate knowing that if I had no family to go to I wouldn't be able to take care of myself, but I know I should trust God. I don't know why I am writing all this, but I think that over the last couple months I have been in my own little world.
February went by in a whirlwind and March the same. I feel I don't even remember much of what has gone on these last couple months. We started a book club, which in reality is just an excuse to get together, but I am enjoying it. I still go clean for my sister Clarissa every other week and I still play the piano at church every fourth Sunday. Life has stayed the same in so many ways, and yet...life is completely different. In some ways I feel like I am not as close to my friends anymore, we all seem to have our own lives. I am not saying that is necessarily bad, but it was unexpected at this time and moment. I feel like I am in my own little world, separate from my family... A world where I work, eat, sleep and repeat the same thing every week. So as much I am saying I don't like change, I want a change...
A year ago I was living at my sister Mindy's house with my sister Marissa. A "taste" of living alone and two of the happiest months of my life. Perhaps it is such a good memory (even if my car did burn!) because it wasn't truly life. We tried to make it wonderful because we knew it wouldn't last... Whatever the reason for it, I LOVED it and I miss those days. It felt as if it were a fairytale and that all dreams could come true. Since then I have been wanting that to all come back, that feeling of unreality, but I feel that is impossible.
Today is Good Friday and I don't know why today all of this is coming to mind, I guess thinking about how Jesus died on that cross at Calvary brought me back to reality. I love Eastertime for the reminder it is that He IS risen, that He is here always. I find such joy in that knowledge! Through all the trials of this life and through all my struggles He has been the one constant.
Sunday we will be having Easter Dinner at my Dad's, I am baking rolls with my sister and hoping to bake dessert of some kind. I am looking forward to the family time, though I am supposed to be playing the piano on Sunday and I don't have any songs... (eek!) I am hoping to be more here in life now, but it isn't always easy.
I have lots more that I want to write about...so much for my idea to write every week! But I am hoping to write more again...hopefully...