Saturday, December 31, 2016

Goodbye, 2016

I didn't want to write a post about 2016, because I didn't know if I could write anything good. In all honesty, I think this was the second worst, if not the worst, year of my life. Not necessarily because of the events of the year, but emotionally and spiritually it was a struggle. But, I don't feel like I lost something this year, in fact, I feel I gained much.

I come away with a thankful heart. Thankful for those burdens that have only made me stronger, not broken me. God does work in mysterious ways! In the course of this year I didn't think I could ever be thankful for it. But God taught me that there is good in all things. Sometime you just need to look a little harder.

In January I learned I was capable in ways I never knew. I started this year filled with fear for the future and a pain filled heart. I didn't have time to comprehend the turns my life had taken. My friend's wedding was coming up and it was a busy time. I didn't have time to think and adding in the stress and fear of being her personal attendant and doing her wedding flowers....Sigh, it was hard. My goal at that time was to "just keep going". And I did. I felt in January that I hadn't just said "goodbye" to 2015, but that I had said "goodbye" to the person I had been. Realizing that, I didn't know who I was anymore.

In February I wrote in my diary over and over again that I felt frozen. Like I was just waiting for something. I felt confused and overwhelmed. I focused only on work, because in most part it at least, had stayed the same. Us young people had gone to the beach and it was amazing. It felt perfect and I had so much fun. Afterwards I felt lost, like though we had fun, we were all different. Our relationship had changed and it scared me.

That's what I felt for months...Just waiting. I felt like I was waiting to find out who I was and how it was affecting all my relationships. I came to pity myself. I started focusing on what I didn't have and became so depressed and wrapped up in myself I could barely function. I felt that nobody cared about what I said or what I felt. In the end, I am thankful. I did find out who I was, I got a good look at what I was. I started seeing myself and seen what I was becoming.

So I am thankful. I learned to turn to Jesus, to trust in His Word. I found I was blaming everybody for how I felt when it was mostly my fault. I learned so much about myself and about my faith. I am not sure I know how to say what I want to. But this year, though hard, taught me so much.

There were many good time amidst all those mixed up feeling I've had. I made a new friend when I accidentally sent a message I wasn't sure I wanted to send. I am very thankful I did send that message! Though it seems we don't get to see each other often, I come away feeling blessed when we do.

I have gone to the Ranch twice this year, gone to the Memorial Day Campout, spent evenings hanging out with friends and just made many good memories!

 So, though I would never choose to live this year again, I am very thankful. I am thankful for all the lessons I have learned, though I will probably need to relearn them many times before they stick. So it is with a thankful heart that I welcome in the New Year.

Many blessings to you all this New Year!

Love and God's Peace, Marita <3